An Open Letter to Middle School Parents

As the new school year is drawing closer and closer, I decided to pen a few words of encouragement to parents of middle schoolers. Since starting my tenure in the middle school hallway over twenty years ago, I have seen a lot, experienced a lot and learned a whole lot. During my time in education, I also taught a little high school and raised two of my own children, with one more rapidly approaching these treacherous and thrilling years. I have experienced a lot of triumphs and heartaches as both a teacher and a parent. My observations and advice are coming from a place of love and truly wanting the best for all kids and parents. Also, from a the vantage point of witnessing a big shift in students coming into my classroom and the parents who are behind them. Here is a collection of my encouragement and advice:

First, your preteen/teen needs you now more than ever. I stayed home with my oldest two for a few years when they were little because I thought that was when they needed me the most, but the truth is, they needed me the most when they were teenagers. However, they didn't need me quite as close. They need space with you watching closely from the sideline. They need you to teach, guide, and then back off and let them navigate their friendships, classwork, and road bumps. If you are continually stepping in and calling teachers, and calling other parents, and calling the school to fix all of their problems, they will not learn to handle life. Teach them to advocate for themselves. Teach them how to have conversations.

Speaking of conversations, do a lot of talking, even when they don't talk back. They're still listening. If they are struggling in school, help them with how to talk to their teacher about their struggles, and if they continue to struggle, then step in WITH your child and encourage them to take the lead in the discussion with their teacher. You see, your role is changing, mom and dad. You are moving from first line of defense to support team.

Secondly, relationships in middle school will shift like the sands. Every day of every week there are new love matches made, breakups, and friendships marred with jealousy and mean moments. I can say with confidence that the most drama my fellow teachers and I have seen over the years were in friendship conflicts where the parents were the most involved. Friendships are challenging and will change a lot over the coming years. Inserting yourself directly into the conflicts that arise will not help your child. They have to learn to navigate friendships on their own. Obviously, if there is a situation of true bullying...there is a difference between bullying and mean moments... then you should get involved. Be mindful of how you get involved. Contacting the teacher, school, or possibly the other parents if the incident happened outside of school, are acceptable and proper ways of addressing issues. Please refrain from contacting the other child. Be the adult and communicate with other adults who can influence the situation. Navigating relationships today is challenging with all of the social media and ways kids connect with technology. Adults using technology to contact kids and tell them how awful their behavior is, or threaten them, does not help any situation. This leads me to my next topic that many parents become very defensive about.

No phones/social media until high school is not being mean to your child. It is not sheltering them too much, it's setting boundaries and teaching them how to set healthy boundaries for themselves in the future. Our oldest two survived without phones until after 8th grade, and we’re navigating the same path with our youngest. I am not saying that you are wrong if you give your child a phone early on. I am saying that if you are going to open your child up to having the world at their fingertips, please be extremely active in monitoring who they are talking to and what they are seeing. I teach technology and so, so many students admit to talking to complete strangers through apps and video games without having any idea if the person is truly a 12 year old kid, or an adult with sinister intentions. Even more students admit to staying up until 3 and 4am playing video games and chatting on their phones. Lack of proper sleep due to technology usage is a huge issue for many teens. Many parents say that they only give their child a phone because of sports or activities they are in, and so they can stay connected when they are at other people's houses. I fully understand and commend that desire to stay connected. I encourage you to research all the ways to communicate using kid safe phones, such as Bark, Gabb, Pinwheel, or Troomi. If you are a coach, I encourage you to support parents who make the decision to keep phones out of their teens hands by communicating with parents about bus times, practice times, etc. Ultimately, what I am saying is...be diligent with how much time they’re using technology, what they’re viewing, and who your young teen is able to connect with using technology.

We like to believe that our kids would never....fill in the blank. The truth is, kids are not perfect. Even the best kids have flaws! They are human! Take time to recognize your teens strengths and their weaknesses, the areas that they need more help developing. This will often require you to do a personal inventory of what behaviors YOU are modeling. This isn’t to say that every child’s negative behaviors are learned from their parents… there are so many times I’ve scratched my head in regards to where my own kids have picked up certain behaviors. However, if your little Jimmy hops in the car after school and immediately starts bashing a classmate, and you join in the negative talk rather than redirecting your child to other perspectives of the situation that have a more productive and positive spin, you are doing them a disservice. They need to be able to vent to you. Be a listener. When you speak, they need you to help them to see how they can better interact with and handle people who get under their skin. Help them get to the root of why they’re so upset with the other person. It may be that the root of their issue is jealousy, which has nothing to do with the other student but is actually an internal struggle your child is having.

When the school calls and says that your child broke a rule or was doing something that they should not have been doing, check your reaction. Are you saying, No, not my child. They would never do that. Or are you saying, Okay, I will work with them on improving this negative behavior and I support the consequences they have. More and more kids are not taking ownership of their poor behaviors and not accepting of their consequences, which means more parents are storming the school to defend their child’s actions and even blame others for the choice your child made. Now, you may consider some school rules as ridiculous and that may be what fuels your fury. Let me ask you, Is there a standard for your behavior and dress in your workplace? Consider the rules of your school as a way of preparing your son/daughter to be a good, professional employee in the future. Your teen is just a few short years from being old enough to have their first job. Let that sink in.

So much of what goes on in middle school is irrelevant to who your child will be as an adult. Remember the saying, C’s get degrees. Pressuring students to get straight A’s may be putting undo stress on them. Rather than focusing on and rewarding the grades, perhaps try focusing on the process and progress. Is your kiddo working hard or just barely putting any effort into their studies? Are they turning their work in on time or turning it in late? Maybe they are doing all the right things, but they are just more of a B or C student, that is OKAY! Somewhere along the line we became more focused on grades than actual progress of true learning…that’s a soapbox for another post.

Ultimately, parents are the single most valuable and important influence in a child’s life. Please don’t think that because your kid stows away in their room to play video games for 8 hours a day, or they want to spend all of their free time with their friends, that they don’t want or need you as much. They need you more now than ever. Please be who they need.