From the Desert

As I started this blog several months back, I had a pretty clear vision of what it would look like, how it could evolve, and the themes I would share each month. Then something very unexpected happened. I found myself in the desert. Thankfully, I wasn't wandering around a literal desert but I was suddenly full of doubt, felt very alone and had this strong sense that there was a storm brewing...like there were dark clouds looming in the distance.

How did I suddenly go from such clarity in the path that I felt God had called me to take to by providing people, thoughts, and a vision of what I was meant to create and share to a desolate, dry place where there was no clarity? I was writing, creating, reaching out to people to share their stories and their gifts in this space. It was exciting. I was focused. Then suddenly, as easily as these words are flowing at this very moment, the words dried up. My focus was no longer clear. My thoughts were distracted. There was a fear that snuck in. I was projecting a negative future and questioning if I this calling is worth the risk. The risk of succeeding and the risk of failing are equally scary at times. Along with the fear and dryness, there was the feeling like something was looming. So what do you do when you're in a desert place? I sat. I waited. I listened. I rounded up the wagons and pulled in close to the people that matter the most, like the One who put me in this place, at this time.

Circling the wagons back in the days of wagon trains was done for protection, and allowed those traveling together to build relationship. They would go from being spread out in a line to drawn up close together in the circle. They were each others support system to get through what was often times a grueling journey. Dealing with struggles, whether physical or internal, is always easier when you have a support system. Support systems have a lot of different levels. There are those who you are in almost daily contact with and are intricate parts of your story, who have spent years and years pouring into your life. Then there are those who you know will show up for the big stuff when needed but you may not be in daily contact. A support is anyone who encourages, shoots straight with you, and shows up and says, "What do you need? I'm going to do something for you, what do you want me to do?" This can be family, friends, coworkers, and sometimes it's a stranger on the street. Yes, I say stranger on the street because sometimes it is small random acts of kindness that is the encouragement we need at that very moment. We can be someone's support without even realizing it. We can also not realize how much we need support until you find yourself so very grateful for the wagons that circle around you, as I was reminded recently.

It was December when I began to focus on this thought of feeling like I'm in a desert. Work was stressful. We were in a busy season of parenting and that is stressful. I wasn't creating anything, which is my number one way to relieve stress. I was dry. As much as I wanted creating this space to be one of my top three focuses, it just could not be. I was on auto pilot in a lot of ways. Yet, I had this feeling something was about to happen. I was still and listening. I began to just study and tried my best to stay at the feet of Jesus...and wait.

Then, one Sunday in late January, I was asked if would be willing to help organize an iF Gathering at our church. This is big for me because we had been sitting on the sidelines at a new church, waiting to see where we could be used to serve. I was ready. Ready to get back to actively serving alongside new "wagons". It was like a page had turned and I was coming out of the desert. The next day was a typical, busy Monday, until it wasn't. While fixing dinner together, my husband, Roger, said, So I had a CT scan of my back last week since it's been bothering me and physical therapy hasn't helped. The results came back today and my back is good, but they found a mass in my kidney. It was his next words that I was not prepared for. He said, It presents like renal cell carcinoma. The storm was here.

Carcinoma...a word that instantly brought shock, fear, sadness, and many other emotions that came to the surface as tears. I immediately knew that this was what my soul had been prepped for in the months prior. We were ready for this battle. We truly walked through the next months with total peace. This was the kind of peace that I can't put into words at the moment...someday I'll try. Wagons circled around us. On the day of Roger's surgery to remove the cancer and part of his kidney, two sweet friends showed up in the early morning hours, at the hospital over an hour way from home, and sat with me along with other family. Many others visited, texted and called daily, prayed with us over the phone, brought us food....they circled the wagons around us. Our focus became healing Roger's body and today we are on the other side of the storm. This week, we received a good report on another biopsy he had done and we exhaled. The clouds are gone. I'm out of the desert.

If you're in a desert of your own, know that God is near and wants your attention. Sit with him. Maybe you think He's silent and not working but He is there. He is listening. Talk to Him. Allow Him to lead you out of the desert, friend.